Modernized Nursery Rhymes
March 2003

Kids today are missing out. With the advent of television and VCR’s, children have become vegetables while watching Veggie Tales and Barney. Nothing against those guys, but there is something to be said for hearing your own mother’s sweet voice as she sings a nursery rhyme. It is becoming a lost tradition. I would bet that most kids could not even recite half-dozen nursery rhymes.

But we cannot blame it all on technology. Part of the reason for the decline of Mother Goose is the out-dated content of the typical nursery rhyme, itself. Kids don’t know what “sixpence” means. (Actually, I’m not sure that I do either!) And just where is Banbury Cross or St. Ives?

In order for nursery rhymes to regain their popularity they must first be updated. They should reflect our modern culture. Only then, will kids be able to relate to them. To that effort, I hereby submit to you a small collection of modernized nursery rhymes:

- - -
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And can't tell where to find them.
Leave them alone,
Because they’ve all been cloned,
There’s plenty more where they came from!
- - -
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your mother cope?
With a Ritalin, every now and then,
For me, she says there’s still hope.
- - -
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry;
When the girls—home from class went,
Georgie was sued for sexual harassment.
- - -
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet.
After eating her curds, she weighed.

Her eating disorder
Caused her weight to fall shorter,
Until finally, she wasted away.
- - -
Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy who tends sheep and the rest?
He got fired yesterday, when he failed his drug test.
- - -
Hey diddle diddle
the cat and the fiddle
the cow jumped over the fish.
But it’s just a distraction
To hide the real action:
When a president has an affair with a dish.
- - -
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Insects to see! Infecting me! Up to the neck to me!
All make me want to scream!
- - -
Hickory, dickory, dock,
Two mice run up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And then the clock was charged with “cruelty to animals” by the ASPCA.
(Think about it.)
- - -
Well, I think you get the idea. What child could not connect with these ditties? Singing these new, relevant, modern nursery rhymes will contribute to the healthy psychological development of today’s children—tomorrow’s leaders! We must spread this new prose. Our future depends on it!

On the other hand, there are some nursery rhymes that could remain unchanged and yet still have profound influence for good. But alas, despite their practical message, these old adages would never be accepted by contemporary society. For instance, when is the last time that you heard of a mother, with regards to her children: “Whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed?” Ah, what a wonderful world this would be-- (especially since I’m not a child anymore!)

In closing, let me offer one more: “Rub-a-dub-dub! Three men in a tub,…”

Er—On second thought, I don’t think I’ll touch that one. It sounds like something you might find on the WB Network late at night!

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis