TV Show Titles Describing Life
April 30, 2003

While waiting in the check out line at the store, an item caught my eye on the magazine rack. This year, 2003, marks the 50th Anniversary for TV Guide magazine. Fifty years of TV? My curiosity was sparked. I visited TV Guide’s web site on the internet.

In celebration of their 50 years, they had posted several “Top 50” lists: The 50 Greatest Shows of All Time, The 50 Worst Shows of All Time, 50 Great Theme songs, The 50 Greatest Cartoon Characters of All Time. They even presented the primetime TV line-ups from the last 50 years.

As I surveyed the lists, I noticed how many TV show titles described some aspect of life. I soon realized that the basic story of a typical American family could be told by carefully sequencing names from this library of fifty years of TV show titles. Let’s try it.

(Disclaimer: I am not familiar with all of the TV shows whose titles are about to follow. I am simply using the shows’ titles to tell a story, not their content.)

Two high school teenagers develop a crush on each other, and so begins “The Dating Game.” As they get older, “The Bachelor” bites the dust and gives way to “The Newly Wed Game,” which is quickly followed by the “Honeymooners.”

For a short while, they enjoy their “Happy Days” alone together, until the stork pays them a visit and they are “Married with Children.” The new parents are in “Seventh Heaven” with their new baby until they realize baby’s sleeping habits: “The Young and the Restless.” To make matters worse, accompanying baby is changing dirty diapers, where we find “The Incredible Hulk.” (And yes, it is green!)

At this stage, baby’s diet consists of anything in the form of “M*A*S*H”, but eventually this too passes-- and mom and dad enjoy their little ones as their “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” But as “All My Children” begin experiencing “Growing Pains”, mom and dad quickly see the need for parental supervision and strive to maintain a sense of “Law and Order.”

In the eyes of little children “Father Knows Best”, but as they get older and seek their own identity, a power struggle ensues over “Who’s the Boss?” Parents try to teach their kids “To Tell the Truth”, but kids are not always cooperative as they slip into the role of “The Pretender.” Parents attempt to counter with the concept of “Truth or Consequences”, but eventually they begin breaking down. As the children become adept in manipulating their parents, the whole thing degenerates into “Let’s Make a Deal.”

As parents try to enrich the lives of their children with numerous activities, they find themselves operating a “Taxi” service, toting the kids between soccer practice, music lessons and scout meetings, hence: “My Mother the Car.”

Jr. High should be referred to as “The Wonder Years” because it’s a wonder that parents and teenagers can both come out of them a “Survivor.” This stage of the parent-teen relationship is fraught with friction and can be characterized by a number of descriptions: “Wild Kingdom,” “Bewitched,” “March Madness,” “The Fugitive,” “Jeopardy,” “Mad About You,” “Diagnosis Murder.” (Now I know where they came up with “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!” I could go on, but you get the idea.)

After getting their driver’s license the young people are gone “Without a Trace.” Parents have to put out a “Dragnet” in order to monitor their moves. As these teenagers are now more aloof in sharing their activities, parents must sometimes play the role of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigator” to ensure their safety. Indeed, some parents tire of the whole ordeal and would simply prefer to say “Just Shoot Me.”

But all too soon, our young people become young adults. When they leave home, all we can do is say “Cheers” and think back on “The Days of Our Lives” when we were “All in the Family.” In our closing years, we sit in our “Twilight Zone” and reflect on our “Family Ties” and how we were able to accomplish the “Mission: Impossible.” Ironically we think, “What would we give for just another ‘60 Minutes’ of those ‘Wonder Years?’”

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis