You Are Getting Very Sleepy...
June 5, 2003

I am sleepy today. I value my sleep, and I did not get much of it last night. At the personal level, we all value our sleep, but as a society, America does not. Even in our average sized towns, there are abundant activities that could potentially keep us busy from sun up to sun down, and beyond.

But the Spaniards have it right. “I’ve never been to Spain, but I kind of like…” their siesta idea. I could always use a little nap after lunch. (Sometimes even instead of lunch.) But rather than conserving energy during the midday, many Americans will even exert extra energy by jogging or working out during their lunch hour. And we think some of these other countries are backward?!

I remember the days when even the TV stations slept. Late at night, they would actually sign off the air with the national anthem, going to static, and then sign back on the air, the same way early the next morning. If you couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, you would have to read, because there was certainly nothing on television. Nowadays the TV stations broadcast all night long—if you can call it that, since half of the programming is infomercials. But they will put you to sleep. Maybe that’s their objective--sort of an electronic sleeping pill.

Sleep should be held in higher esteem in our own culture. We should make it an Olympic event. Who can fall asleep faster? Stay asleep longer? Sleep the soundest? The loudest? I know that I could at least win a silver medal in a couple of these events. But alas, there is no venue in which I can showcase my talents. Oh well, ‘tis the public’s loss.

This public lack of appreciation for sleep is our own fault, as we ingrain it in our children at an early age. Ever notice how kids don’t welcome sleep like adults do? They always want to stay up late and they despise naps.

It’s no wonder. Look at the mixed signals that we send them. To encourage sleep, we sing to them “Rock-a-bye baby in the tree-top.” Sounds sweet enough starting out, but just as they begin to relax, we finish with the lines “When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And down will come baby, cradle and all.” What a soothing image. How would you like to try falling asleep while listening to that old morbid song “DOA?” I remember one such sleepless night, many years ago as a child. I could not get that song out of my head. (And now you can thank me for putting it back into yours. I hope you’re not reading this at bedtime.)

And it’s not just through lullabies. How many times have children been put to bed with the adage, “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” -- Bugs? Biting?! Yeah, that’s going to calm those kids down. You might as well say “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let that axe murderer in the closet bother you. Pleasant dreams.”

As a matter of national security, sleep should be elevated to a cabinet level position by the president. He could establish a new department called the “Homeland Unit on Sleeping Habits”. (HUSH!) They would coordinate with the military in developing WMD, (Weapons of Mass Deprivation.) These could be used against our enemies in order to deprive them of sleep, thus making them grouchy and irritable. Eventually they would turn on each other, saving us the trouble.

Fortunately, there has already been one important advance in sleep technology: the snooze alarm. The snooze button has helped millions grab a few more winks of sleep, nine minutes at a time. Now we just need an accompanying “boss button” to explain why we were late to work.

Sleeping is already a religious experience for many, in that they sleep during church, but this is not the goal. I want to publicly raise the awareness of sleep. But I guess that would actually be counter-productive. “Raised awareness” would inhibit sleep, so I suppose I want to lower awareness. Regardless, by writing this article, hopefully I have helped promote sleep. Indeed many of you have probably already fallen asleep just reading it. But if you are still with me, just clip this column and keep it handy, in the night table beside your bed. “Buenos noches!”

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis