The World is Going to the Dogs!
July 31, 2003

Whoever said that “Dog is Man’s best friend” obviously didn’t own a Chihuahua. According to my daughter’s dog, Kiwi, “Man is the bond servant of Chihuahua, and should be thankful that we are allowed to breathe the same air as the higher species: Chihuahua.”

I’m not one of those who go around talking about my pets all of the time, but I feel an urgent need to warn everyone of an impending danger that I see growing worse with each passing day. Should we let this trend continue much longer, it will be too late. I’m talking about the humanization of our dogs.

Many of you out there are willing accomplices to this sinister plan. You know who you are! You carry around photos of your dogs in your wallet as if they were your own children. You take your dogs with you wherever you go—some of you even letting them drive!

Take my daughter’s Chihuahua, --Please! (Thanks, Henny.) Someone needs to remind Kiwi that she IS a dog! I would love to take her down a notch or two, myself, but she’s already only ten inches tall. However, her small stature is merely a clever facade to hide her huge ego, the size of a St. Bernard.

Kiwi allows the rest of us to sit on “her” sofa in our living room-- as long as we don’t touch her couch pillow. On rare occasions we let our other two dogs in the house for a few minutes. They are full-grown Boxers and you would think that Kiwi would be intimidated by their size.

Not so! She simply springs up and begins barking down orders from her throne on the couch. “Bark! Bark! Bark!” (Translated: “Get away from my couch!”) “Bark! Bark! Bark!” (“Who let all these dogs in here, anyway!”)

The world is going to the dogs. The gravity of the situation hit me yesterday, as I found even myself crossing the line. While talking on the phone, I looked out the window and noticed Kiwi trotting across the street, disappearing into our neighbor’s garage. I thought to myself, “She knows better than that. I’ll have to go get her whenever I get off the phone.” But a few seconds later I see her coming back. “Good,” I thought. “But wait! What’s that in her mouth?”

After hanging up the phone, I found Kiwi in mortal combat with a Winnie the Pooh hand puppet. “This isn’t ours! Kiwi! Bad dog!” (It could have been worse. Sometimes she gets rather amorous with her own stuffed animals. But I guess that’s better than the leg of a guest. But I digress.)

I rescued Pooh Bear and felt rather silly returning him and apologizing to the neighbor on Kiwi’s behalf. (But she refused to apologize herself.) That’s when it hit me. I had succumbed.

It was a wake up call for me and now I’m urging all of you-- Wake up and smell the dog poo before it’s too late! If we don’t take action now, we’re really going to step in it! Dogs are taking over the world!

Just consult your science fiction folklore. This is exactly how the “Planet of the Apes” got started. Today we welcome dogs into our homes and treat them like human beings, and tomorrow they will be speaking English, riding horses, and shooting rifles at us! Even now, you may have noticed some people already wearing dog collars. “Get your paws off me, you dirty stinking canine!”

Don’t get me wrong. I love dogs. That is, I love dogs who know that they ARE dogs. “A place for everything and everything in its place.” Including DOGS. I refuse to be a party to the ultimate destruction of our world as we know it.

If you want to go on elevating dogs to superior status, that’s your business. But whenever you find yourself at the end of a leash and drinking out of a dog bowl, don’t come running to me with your tail between your legs.

You’ll have to excuse me now. I think I hear Kiwi scratching at the front door. She must want in. I need to have a key made for her.

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis