California Governor's Race
August 14, 2003

I would like to hereby announce that I will NOT be a candidate in the California Gubernatorial race at this time. I know that I am probably the only one not running, but I cannot at this time due to “personal reasons” and for the sake of my family.

Besides, they now have Arnold. Now that he is finished promoting his latest movie as the “Terminator”, Schwarzenegger can concentrate on promoting himself in a new role as “Gubernator”. If, as Governor, he can accomplish just half of what he has done in his movies, California should be in good shape.

Drawing on his experience from his movie “Pumping Iron”, he should be able to “pump up” California’s stalling economy in no time. As the “Erasure”, he can wipe out their deficit and soon Californians will have so much pocket change that they will “Jingle All the Way” to the bank. (Actually, he does have a degree in economics.)

But in order to elect a new governor, California voters must first recall their present Governor, Gray Davis. However, Schwarzenegger won’t need a “Total Recall.” Under California law, the recall must simply pass with a majority vote. If Davis is recalled, the candidate on the replacement ballot who receives the most votes becomes governor. Enter “Conan the Republican.”

One of the stated issues on Arnold’s agenda is education reform. From now on, truant students will be systematically hunted down by the “Predator.” I guess he’s taking this “Kindergarten Cop” thing seriously.

Should Arnold win, one advantage is that even if he behaves like typical politicians by misrepresenting the facts, at least they will be “True Lies.” And even in that case, “T2: Judgment Day” takes on a whole new meaning, in that it will be the judgment of the voters as to whether to release a sequel, T2 or T3, (i.e. term two or term three as governor.)

Opponents try to portray Arnold as a big dumb athlete/actor whose campaign promises only amount to a list of one-liners. But anyone who can remember how to spell “Schwarzenegger” can’t be to dull. Besides, I prefer one-liners to the endless amounts of demagoguery from regular politicians. They only try to confuse the issues.

As a matter of fact, I would suggest that any policy statement that cannot be expressed in plain enough English for even Arnold to articulate is too complicated. If ever elected to office, myself, I would require that ALL of the world’s problems and solutions be expressed as one-liners.

The answer to social security reform? “Live long and prosper.” World hunger? “Where’s the beef?” Should we have a lottery? “Do you feel lucky, …Punk?” Unemployment and labor issues? “Yo, Adrian!” (I didn’t say that they have to make sense.) Global warming? “Frankly, my dear, I don’t…” Well, you get the idea.

I think it’s great that a young boy from a remote Austrian village can grow up and become a Hollywood movie star, and run for office in America. I also think that America should return the favor by sending some of our Hollywood movie stars and politicians to remote villages in Austria.

It remains to be seen whether the “Last Action Hero” will ever see any action as governor. Many like to characterize the whole California recall election as a “carnival.” Well that’s just fine. Then WHOEVER is elected ought to fit right in with the rest of the clowns already in politics.

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis