Back to School
August 21, 2003

What three little words do mothers love to hear the most and cherish in their hearts? “I love you?” Well, sometimes maybe, but this time of year those three precious words are “Back to school.”

While the kids begin “Singing the Blues,” parents everywhere can be heard erupting in a thunderous chorus of “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee!”

“Back to School” conjures up all kinds of nostalgic images. (As adults, we can look back on it and call it “nostalgia” now, but back then it was more like “anathema.”) Checking your class schedule, meeting your teacher, finding your locker, shopping for school supplies.

Let’s check that school supply list: notebook paper, #2 lead pencil, ruler, compass, protractor, obligatory box of Kleenex, ammunition… No wait! That’s for the Los Angeles school district!

And what’s up with that box of Kleenex? That always seemed a little out of place to me. All of those other items could be used for class work, but I never needed a Kleenex in order to diagram a sentence. Oh yes-- Maybe the Kleenex was for whenever we received our test grades back and started crying.

But if the school system requires students to furnish boxes of Kleenex, why don’t they demand that students supply their own rolls of toilet paper? It seems a little inconsistent to me, but maybe that is getting a little too personal.

Speaking of which-- The times have changed. While the students still furnish the schools with boxes of Kleenex, the schools are now reciprocating by furnishing the students with condoms. Umm, No thank you! If you will keep your condoms, I will keep my Kleenex. Deal?

The times have also changed for music class. In music, we used to sing songs and clap out the beat “Ta Ta ti-ti Ta.” Now my kids come home from school and tell me that in music class they watched the movie “Amadeus.” Where was this line of thinking whenever I was in school?! All that time, for science class we could have been watching “Star Trek” and for history, “The Time Tunnel.”

I my goodness! I wonder what my kids are watching for sex education? “Will and Grace?” Surely not. Besides, nowadays they can watch C-SPAN and get both their government and sex education classes knocked out at the same time.

In the old days, we used to study the three R’s: “Reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic.” (We probably should have spent more time on spelling.) But now the three R’s have been replaced with the three S’s: “Sameness, Sex Education and Sensitivity Training.” (Ah! Now I see where that box of Kleenex comes in—Sensitivity Training.)

Actually, we did have sensitivity training when I was in school. But back then it was based on the fact that our rear ends were sensitive to the training administered by the receiving end of a paddle. In my opinion, it was actually more effective and a lot less expensive.

But one thing may never change. Just like in the old days-- all over the country, on their first day back to school, kids today are writing essays entitled “What I did on my Summer Vacation.” I feel sorry for my kids. We didn’t get a chance to go anywhere this summer. I guess they will have to fondly remember our past summer vacations of years gone by. (Hand them a Kleenex.)

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis