Destination: Mars!
August 28, 2003

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And now, men-- We have an opportunity to go back!

This very week, Mars is closer to the Earth than it has been for thousands of years, or will be again, for several thousand more. We must seize this window of opportunity in order to get back to our roots.

Living with women for the last several millennia has made us soft. Even with all the recent hype over modern men getting in touch with their feminine side, many women won’t be satisfied until they control all sides. Don’t they realize that is against the laws of nature?

The original man, Adam, had a feminine side at one time, but God took it away whenever he removed Adam’s rib and formed Eve. Why are we now trying to make it grow back?

Rather than transforming men to be like women, why didn’t these women just stay on Venus in the first place? --Where there weren’t any men? I’ll tell you why-- Because when you have too many women alone together for too long, it turns into an inferno. Did you know the temperature on Venus is hot enough to melt lead? Goddess of love, indeed!

As “The Red Planet”, Mars always get a bad rap. The ancient Romans incorrectly likened Mars to the god of War because its redness resembled blood. Even today, Mars is always associated with aggression, as in the movies “War of the Worlds” and “Mars Attacks”.

But I’ll have you know that Mars is a virtual paradise. Just imagine a planet comprised solely of men. What else would they spend their time doing, but hunting and fishing? The only reason that Mars appears red is because of all the red flannel shirts and orange hunting vests worn by its inhabitants.

But there is one Martian legend that proves to be true: Mars is home to all the advanced technology. (How do you think that men got to earth in the first place?) Can you imagine a planet brimming with electronics stores, sporting goods, lumber yards and auto shows?

Even the greatest invention of all time, the remote control, was researched and developed on Mars. Marvin the Martian fabricated the prototype: his “Illudium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator.” With all this great stuff, that’s why I say that it’s time to go back!

Just like the salmon, who are compelled by instinct to swim upstream, overcoming all kinds of obstacles, in order to find that one stream in which they were originally spawned-- we men must make every effort to return to Mars in order to reconnect with our original nature.

So, men-- For the next few weeks, while Mars is still in close proximity, keep you eye on the night sky, and especially on Mars. Be watching for the mother ship, er… Make that the “father ship”, that will come and sweep us away for our voyage back to Mars.

Once we are there, it will be just like in the old days: Lying around on the recliner in our underwear, watching satellite TV, and eating frozen pizza and potato chips. There will be no one around to complain about not mowing the grass, since there will be no grass to mow!

We can sit around with smelly feet and indulge in the unrestrained expulsion of bodily gases, …and talk with our mouths full, and… and snore as loud as we want at night, and not take showers every day, and… and…

On second thought, I think I know why men left Mars. Probably for similar reasons that women left Venus, and we met each other in the middle, here on earth. I think I’ll stick around and continue searching for that middle ground between men and women. But you guys can go on without me. I can catch you on Mars’ next close proximity pass in a few thousand years.

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis