Testing, Testing... One, Two, Three...
October 23, 2003

“Testing, testing… One, two, three.” If you are a student, you have probably taken quite a few tests recently, as it is time for midterm exams. For others, tests are a thing of the past, and you probably want to keep it that way. But in actuality, we never quit taking tests.

Normally, when we think of tests, we think of school and the many types of tests encountered there: fill in the blank, multiple choice, essay, matching… guessing! Scholastic tests like these are also a test of your faith. It is an old scenario repeated again and again: a desperate student with a blank test and an even blanker mind seeking divine inspiration. “I promise I will never do this again if you will just help me through this exam!” (But the Lord helps those who help themselves.)

Maybe this anxiety is the reason that the tests we take as adults are disguised with other names. Here are some examples of tests that we are continually subject to, even after completing school: credit checks, peer reviews, performance evaluations, and children. All of these are simply different types of tests.

Children are the ultimate test. They test your patience, your stamina, your endurance, your reflexes, your blood pressure, and your will to survive. Actually, raising children is a test of wills: yours against theirs. And if you fail, you are actually failing your kids, and they end up suffering the most.

Not all tests have a negative connotation. We actually enjoy some tests. It is exhilarating to take a test drive in a sports car, and not many of us refuse taste tests at the grocery store.

But still, some people detest tests so much that they want to abolish them. They ought to have their heads examined. (Another test!) Can you imagine going to a doctor whose proficiency has not been tested? Those who want to do away with testing can volunteer to be the test subjects for the doctors who are untested.

What it really comes down to is that we like testing for others, just not for ourselves. As consumers, we like products to be tested, especially when it comes to health. We set up the FDA to inspect our food and drugs. Underwriters Laboratories tests and certifies thousands of appliances and other products for safety every year. Even our underwear has been tested. On mine, it said right on the tag, “Inspected by number 118.” (Of course that was before I put them on.)

So then, why are we so apprehensive about individual testing? Perhaps it is because there is usually so much riding on the results of the test. If you fail your driving test, you don’t get your license. If you fail your aptitude test, you don’t get that new job. If you fail your blood test, you don’t get married.

This would explain some of the violent terminology that we use to describe tests. We can be “tested by fire” and we have the “acid test.” We can even have “a battery of tests!” The phrases that we use for test results are similarly emotional. If we do well, we say that we “aced the test!” And we never want to say that we “bombed the test!” (unless of course, it was an artillery test.)

I once had a professor who tried to alleviate the stress of a test question by saying, “there was no one right answer.” But it was of little consolation whenever I then asked her “Are there any wrong answers?” She assured us that there were plenty of those.

But the most dreaded test of all has to be the one administered by wives to their husbands, whenever they ask, “Notice anything different today?” Men, you might as well start rearranging the pillows on the sofa because that is where you will be sleeping this evening.

It doesn’t matter how this pop quiz started out, it will always end up being a vocabulary test. While the husband struggles to search for the right words to satisfy the inquisition, the wife becomes frustrated and begins delivering some choice words of her own, which I dare not repeat.

In spite of all this, true love will stand the test of time and everything will work out in the end. But just in case, it never hurts to work on some extra credit. “Honey, you look great today! What have you done to yourself?”

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis