E-mail to Santa Claus
December 11, 2003

Have you written your letter to Santa Claus yet? You’d better hurry! You want to make sure that it has enough time to reach the North Pole notwithstanding the deluge of Christmas cards flooding the post office. Actually, Santa is online now, so you can shoot him an email via the Internet instead.

My how things have changed. Soon, gone will be the days of cute little letters to Santa scribbled out in crayon, complete with misspelled words and pictures of reindeer. Now Santa will only receive cold, impersonal emails automatically corrected with spellchecker. Where’s the holiday spirit in that?

Not only has the form of the ‘letters to Santa’ changed, but also their content. A traditional letter to Santa might have read something like this:

“Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year. I would like a racecar set and my sister wants a doll that cries. Please bring Mommy a pretty necklace and Daddy an electric razor. We will set out some milk and cookies by the fireplace for you on Christmas Eve. Please tell Rudolph “Hi” for me, and thank you. Sincerely, Johnny”

Kids today are more sophisticated, (which is not necessarily a good thing.) Thus, the following contemporary email to Santa:

To: S.Claus@northpole.net
From: Johnny@myhouse.com
Priority: Urgent.

To whom it may concern:

Please inform Mr. Claus that according to my records, I have satisfied the minimum requirements to qualify for his annual appropriation of Christmas goodies this year. I acknowledge that on more than one occasion my personal behavior did not comply with accepted societal norms-- But these incidents are well documented and may be attributed to my severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Attached you will find the pertinent medical records from my doctor indicating his diagnosis of my condition. I cannot be held responsible for my actions during these episodes.

If you wish to differ on any point regarding this matter, please be advised that all communication should be routed through my attorney, Johnny Cochran. All claims will be pursued to the fullest extent allowed by law, pursuant to anti-discrimination law and unfair practice regulations of the Federal Trade Commission. However, in order to avoid unnecessary and costly litigation, we are willing to settle out of court, via binding arbitration, contingent upon our approval of the arbiter.

With regards to my Christmas list, I am registered at all the major department stores. Please order early to allow for shipping, guaranteeing timely delivery. All gifts arriving late will be subject to an additional penalty fee. Any defective merchandise will be returned immediately at your expense, and should be replaced within five business days, or else the problem will be reported to the Better Business Bureau.

Also, please take note that OSHA regulations will not allow you to park your reindeer on our rooftop without proper safety railing. As a result you are instructed to park in the street, as our homeowners association does not allow draft animals on the lawn. (Just be sure to park within eighteen inches of the curb to avoid being ticketed for violating city traffic ordinances.)

If you wish to avoid all of this hassle, you can make it easy on yourself by simply giving cash in lieu of actual gifts. I accept cashiers checks, money orders and of course, currency. (No personal checks please.) If you do choose to give currency, please make it in small denominations, no larger than $20.

Lastly, I’m sorry to inform you that there will be no snacks set out for you this year. The FDA has determined that they exceeded your recommended daily allowance of “good tasting food”, and we also can’t legally afford to be a contributing factor to your elevated levels of cholesterol.

Oh, I almost forgot: “Happy Holidays!”

© Copyright 2003 Glen Davis